one year later

well here we are.  one year from my last blog post.  i doubt anyone still reads this.  which might be for the best anyway.  i like it.  just a voice out in the void.  do i update all that time in between or just throw something down right now and leave it?  i'll think about that for a while.

three kids fills up our days.  i hate to say busy-because it implies that there is room for nothing else in our lives.  which isn't true.  there's always room for more good, more friends, more happiness, more service for others.  but for now, at the end of the day, i am tired.  (and if i'm being honest, i am currently waking up tired too, but that's something that hopefully go away with time).  there have been a few days where i felt like there just wasn't enough gas in my tank to get through it all.  even when getting through it just meant putting cereal in their bowls at breakfast (oh i sound so dramatic)  but miraculously i have made it through and the kids aren't too scathed either.  they are resilient little beings.  i hope that the combination of love and inevitable mistakes i am making is preparing them for a life of happiness in spite of disappointments.  (if they can be happy when i screw up as their mom-doesn't it help them know they can be happy when life hands them lemons? i tell myself that).  the constant knowledge of my own shortcomings has me extra hurt when others feel the need to chastise me for what i lack.  i need to have a happy heart in order to be a good mother and have the patience and happiness i need to care for these three lovely children.  i get bogged down in my own guilt and self loathing too easily.  so i crave and appreciate friendships that lift me up, that see the best in me, and help me endure a little longer and try a little harder.  and i hope to be that friend to others as well.  we all have our own weights on our shoulders-why not help carry those burdens for one another?  see and hope for the best.  ultimately, the less i think about myself, the better.

currently, hugo and henrietta are the best of friends.  they play for hours together with little intervention (except when they have discovered an activity that mom would rather not clean up after). dress ups are the current favorite toy, though a few weeks ago play-doh dominated their afternoons.  ruth refuses to be left out of the fun and follows the kids around the house in her slow deliberate crawl.  as long as mom is never to far away.  her favorite is sitting on mom's lap if the other two kids are nearby.  as we have been teaching hugo to read, ruth now opens up books and says various letter sounds very slowly like she is sounding out words.  it's pretty hilarious.

we put our christmas tree up early.  the first christmas in our home where we can have a gigantic tree had us a little excited.  the kids play around it pretty often, crawling under its lowest branches and hiding toys in it.  i am so grateful for this home.  i cannot imagine a more comfortable and beautiful place to raise our family.  we are so so lucky.  next to our family-i count this as one of the things we are most thankful for this thanksgiving.  putting it together has given me the same satisfaction as creating my own piece of artwork. truly.  it's our family's temple-a sacred space for the many memories that will occur over the years.

there have been a few projects that have been at the back of my mind.  the thought of starting them feels daunting and i hesitate beginning any of them because maybe this isn't the time of life.  but, i have recently been feeling that the next step in growing as a mother/person, i need to embrace my unique talents and gifts.  being true to the gifts i have been given is part of the mission that heavenly father sent me to earth to accomplish.  i am just so tired at the end of the day that i can't imagine voluntarily adding to my current list.  however, it's possible that taking on these personal projects will revive me in a way that i am unaware.  either way, i've written it here.  so at least i'll be forced to keep remembering and thinking about it.

branden is happy.  he's trucking along and working hard as he should be.  even when i wish we had more time together i know he is doing what the lord wants for him. i'm grateful for him.  we make a good team.  i knew that when i married him.  that doesn't sound very romantic. but i imagine over the years we have together, the fact that we are incredible teammates will hold us together and create more romance that just romance alone would. so in the end, it is kind of romantic.  okay, i think that's it for tonight. cheers.