we had another baby

as all babies fresh from heaven are, he is perfect and sweet and a bundle of pure heavenly goodness.

roland was born on june 4 after a neverending pregnancy that tested the limits of my sanity.  branden says we are done having children.  i say we probably are but don't want to close that door until i receive confirmation from above.  or confirmation from my own heart.  i don't know that i would be able to survive another pregnancy emotionally.  but with the lord, all things are possible right?  i can do hard things.  (that being said, i don't want to put my kids through that again.  they forgive easily now.  later? i don't want to ask that of them).

so here's a brief update (because i am going to a YW activity tonight on journaling).

1-branden loves his job.  he works similar hours, however he is home infinitely more.  for this we are so grateful.

2-no more seminary for b.  which we are also grateful for.  the blessings from teaching seminary were tangible but it was time for our family to focus our energies on the new member.

3-building a home is fun.  our little family's temple on earth.  that being said, it makes me think i need to work harder at making positive memories here that will carry them through the difficult preteen and teenage years.

4-speaking of working on creating more positive memories.  i have been dealing with postpartum...sadness? anxiety?  i don't want to say depression, because i imagine there are women who would laugh at my small emotional roller coaster and would be grateful for such a small burden.  but it has rocked my world.  and i have desperately wished to be a better parent and in the same breath unable to do those things that would enable me to do so.  so i am considering this a process and will continue to work towards creating more happiness in my home.  

5-in the midst of these struggles i have found friends reach out to me at critical junctures with random scriptures, talks, and books that provide the next step in my own recovery.  the coincidences are impossible-it is divine intervention.  when i struggle having confidence in being able to complete my new calling in young women's, a friend (who knows nothing of my anxieties and tears) texts a great talk on meekness and self esteem she is studying and asks my thoughts.  when i am struggling in my motherhood, a friend texts me a podcast she is listening to about fueling ourselves as mothers and lose our selfishness all in one change in though process.  branden receives a lesson on how he should be building a home that has a culture of using the priesthood (i.e. give more blessings!  because we can!) at a time when i have thought about asking for a blessing for weeks and never followed through.  the stake puts together a mental health workshop for adults in the stake when i am contemplating if i should see a counselor to try and speed up my process of recovery from baby blues.  

hugo. is helpful and sweet and just a joy.  he is beginning to navigate the excitement and experiences of kindergarten.  he reminds me of a puppy-happy go lucky, sometimes getting into trouble, but never purposely.  he's is a peacemaker in our home and has helped me immensely by being patient when my moods jump around.

henrietta. has more spunk and personality than i know what to do with.  her highs are high and her lows are low.  but she is a favorite among friends and teachers, with love flowing out of every pore.  she is constantly telling me she loves me and constantly thanking me for taking her to do fun things.  and on the flip side-she is sure to tell me when she does not like what we are doing and makes her opinion known.  she wants to be involved in whatever i am doing, following me around asking questions about my every activity.  it is both adorable and exasperating and her precociousness is not appreciated as much as it should be by me in my current state.  but i am grateful for her grandmother and teachers who can encourage her and give her the love she deserves.

ruth. is a joy.  she plays quietly and lights up when she sees her people.  but often we forget she is there.  her hugs are the best and she is more gentle with the baby than either of her siblings.  the best word to describe her at this point is peaceful.  i am so grateful for her sweetness.  in a home full of little children that could push me over the edge with a wild 2 year old, she has saved us by being a quieting presence.

roland. tiny. sweet. talkative (for a two month old) he continues to grow in cuteness every day.  spitting image of branden.