Immediately after the change, the Internet blew up. Articles and Facebook posts went up within minutes expressing sorrow, disappointment, rage, and in a few cases ardent support. On Facebook, my newsfeed was almost overwhelmingly filled with shock, sadness, and a sincere questioning of this policy change. I don't know that I have seen anything so immediate and passionate in all my time in social media.
My first reaction, in general, to leadership policy changes is faith in the decision process. (I feel that way about decisions that our president makes too-I believe in general that people are doing their best and operating on good principals even if we don't always agree on how to a achieve those ideals.). There must have been some explanation-I have never gotten the feeling that our church leaders want anything more than to love and support the members-being the best representatives of our savior that they can be. The next morning a interview with elder christofferson came out which supported this thought. It seemed as if leadership had been thinking about these changes for a great deal of time. While it came as a shock to the rest of us-it sounded as if it was something that was discussed for some time. I trust their good intentions and inspiration and I wonder if there is still some further refinement that is yet to come.
However more than my confusion at this point is sadness. I feel that so many on the edge of our faith no longer feel like there is room for them here. The expressions of anger and sorrow break my heart. I have dear friends that I fear will leave the church as a result of this change. The church will be poorer because of it. I will be poorer. Their powerful convictions and love of all teach me how to be more Christlike. Their differences from me teach me how to be more empathetic. We need their voices telling their stories. I need them teaching my Sunday school class. Sunday I went to church with a heavy heart. I wondered if these friends who I loved and looked up to left the church-would I leave too? Where am I headed? What do I think?
Sunday morning, as the young deacons passed the sacrament and the musical number echoed through the chapel-I got the powerful impression that I was in the right place. That doesn't mean I won't question what I don't understand-rather it means I won't stop questioning and searching for those answers that we are all so desperately searching for. I am still trying to understand what this policy change means and how it is going to affect gay members of the church and their children. But I know this search will continue within the symbolic tent of the church, doing all I can to keep as many as possible within the tent with me.
I don't think I expressed this as eloquently or as coherent as I would wish-I blame some of it on lack of sleep and the distracted and short attention span that comes with rearing small children (the other part on the fact that I am not an intellectual-just a fan and consumer of those who have that talent). I hope that my children can look back at this and know how this change affected their family and particularly get an idea of how I have kept my faith in the midst of stormy seas.
I think you wrote very eloquently Amanda! Thank you for sharing. I should write down my thoughts for my children too. You wrote so much of what I have been thinking. Love you friend.
ReplyDelete