back to it.

i'm thinking that while instagram and social media has made staying in touch and preserving short memories easier than ever before--- i'm missing some of the long form thoughts that a blog post.

so here's the latest.

we got a dog. (!!!)

i spend about 2 hours a day in the car.  driving to school.  from school.  piano lessons.  tennis.  basketball.  gymnastics.  the gym.  it's  a glamorous life.

i'm seriously knocked out by 8 pm.  so this blog post feels....tired.

i have had a lot of thoughts today that i dreamed about writing down and saving for my children, and for myself.  thoughts of christ, the gospel, miracles, what the purpose of our trials are.  but the thought of writing them here makes my stomach turn.  they are still too tender.  and i'm not as brave as a once was about bearing my heart out into the world. 

but here's a start. 

late night runs to walgreens for prescriptions.  it's been a rough few weeks at our house with illnesses.

we had another baby

as all babies fresh from heaven are, he is perfect and sweet and a bundle of pure heavenly goodness.

roland was born on june 4 after a neverending pregnancy that tested the limits of my sanity.  branden says we are done having children.  i say we probably are but don't want to close that door until i receive confirmation from above.  or confirmation from my own heart.  i don't know that i would be able to survive another pregnancy emotionally.  but with the lord, all things are possible right?  i can do hard things.  (that being said, i don't want to put my kids through that again.  they forgive easily now.  later? i don't want to ask that of them).

so here's a brief update (because i am going to a YW activity tonight on journaling).

1-branden loves his job.  he works similar hours, however he is home infinitely more.  for this we are so grateful.

2-no more seminary for b.  which we are also grateful for.  the blessings from teaching seminary were tangible but it was time for our family to focus our energies on the new member.

3-building a home is fun.  our little family's temple on earth.  that being said, it makes me think i need to work harder at making positive memories here that will carry them through the difficult preteen and teenage years.

4-speaking of working on creating more positive memories.  i have been dealing with postpartum...sadness? anxiety?  i don't want to say depression, because i imagine there are women who would laugh at my small emotional roller coaster and would be grateful for such a small burden.  but it has rocked my world.  and i have desperately wished to be a better parent and in the same breath unable to do those things that would enable me to do so.  so i am considering this a process and will continue to work towards creating more happiness in my home.  

5-in the midst of these struggles i have found friends reach out to me at critical junctures with random scriptures, talks, and books that provide the next step in my own recovery.  the coincidences are impossible-it is divine intervention.  when i struggle having confidence in being able to complete my new calling in young women's, a friend (who knows nothing of my anxieties and tears) texts a great talk on meekness and self esteem she is studying and asks my thoughts.  when i am struggling in my motherhood, a friend texts me a podcast she is listening to about fueling ourselves as mothers and lose our selfishness all in one change in though process.  branden receives a lesson on how he should be building a home that has a culture of using the priesthood (i.e. give more blessings!  because we can!) at a time when i have thought about asking for a blessing for weeks and never followed through.  the stake puts together a mental health workshop for adults in the stake when i am contemplating if i should see a counselor to try and speed up my process of recovery from baby blues.  

hugo. is helpful and sweet and just a joy.  he is beginning to navigate the excitement and experiences of kindergarten.  he reminds me of a puppy-happy go lucky, sometimes getting into trouble, but never purposely.  he's is a peacemaker in our home and has helped me immensely by being patient when my moods jump around.

henrietta. has more spunk and personality than i know what to do with.  her highs are high and her lows are low.  but she is a favorite among friends and teachers, with love flowing out of every pore.  she is constantly telling me she loves me and constantly thanking me for taking her to do fun things.  and on the flip side-she is sure to tell me when she does not like what we are doing and makes her opinion known.  she wants to be involved in whatever i am doing, following me around asking questions about my every activity.  it is both adorable and exasperating and her precociousness is not appreciated as much as it should be by me in my current state.  but i am grateful for her grandmother and teachers who can encourage her and give her the love she deserves.

ruth. is a joy.  she plays quietly and lights up when she sees her people.  but often we forget she is there.  her hugs are the best and she is more gentle with the baby than either of her siblings.  the best word to describe her at this point is peaceful.  i am so grateful for her sweetness.  in a home full of little children that could push me over the edge with a wild 2 year old, she has saved us by being a quieting presence.

roland. tiny. sweet. talkative (for a two month old) he continues to grow in cuteness every day.  spitting image of branden.

one year later

well here we are.  one year from my last blog post.  i doubt anyone still reads this.  which might be for the best anyway.  i like it.  just a voice out in the void.  do i update all that time in between or just throw something down right now and leave it?  i'll think about that for a while.

three kids fills up our days.  i hate to say busy-because it implies that there is room for nothing else in our lives.  which isn't true.  there's always room for more good, more friends, more happiness, more service for others.  but for now, at the end of the day, i am tired.  (and if i'm being honest, i am currently waking up tired too, but that's something that hopefully go away with time).  there have been a few days where i felt like there just wasn't enough gas in my tank to get through it all.  even when getting through it just meant putting cereal in their bowls at breakfast (oh i sound so dramatic)  but miraculously i have made it through and the kids aren't too scathed either.  they are resilient little beings.  i hope that the combination of love and inevitable mistakes i am making is preparing them for a life of happiness in spite of disappointments.  (if they can be happy when i screw up as their mom-doesn't it help them know they can be happy when life hands them lemons? i tell myself that).  the constant knowledge of my own shortcomings has me extra hurt when others feel the need to chastise me for what i lack.  i need to have a happy heart in order to be a good mother and have the patience and happiness i need to care for these three lovely children.  i get bogged down in my own guilt and self loathing too easily.  so i crave and appreciate friendships that lift me up, that see the best in me, and help me endure a little longer and try a little harder.  and i hope to be that friend to others as well.  we all have our own weights on our shoulders-why not help carry those burdens for one another?  see and hope for the best.  ultimately, the less i think about myself, the better.

currently, hugo and henrietta are the best of friends.  they play for hours together with little intervention (except when they have discovered an activity that mom would rather not clean up after). dress ups are the current favorite toy, though a few weeks ago play-doh dominated their afternoons.  ruth refuses to be left out of the fun and follows the kids around the house in her slow deliberate crawl.  as long as mom is never to far away.  her favorite is sitting on mom's lap if the other two kids are nearby.  as we have been teaching hugo to read, ruth now opens up books and says various letter sounds very slowly like she is sounding out words.  it's pretty hilarious.

we put our christmas tree up early.  the first christmas in our home where we can have a gigantic tree had us a little excited.  the kids play around it pretty often, crawling under its lowest branches and hiding toys in it.  i am so grateful for this home.  i cannot imagine a more comfortable and beautiful place to raise our family.  we are so so lucky.  next to our family-i count this as one of the things we are most thankful for this thanksgiving.  putting it together has given me the same satisfaction as creating my own piece of artwork. truly.  it's our family's temple-a sacred space for the many memories that will occur over the years.

there have been a few projects that have been at the back of my mind.  the thought of starting them feels daunting and i hesitate beginning any of them because maybe this isn't the time of life.  but, i have recently been feeling that the next step in growing as a mother/person, i need to embrace my unique talents and gifts.  being true to the gifts i have been given is part of the mission that heavenly father sent me to earth to accomplish.  i am just so tired at the end of the day that i can't imagine voluntarily adding to my current list.  however, it's possible that taking on these personal projects will revive me in a way that i am unaware.  either way, i've written it here.  so at least i'll be forced to keep remembering and thinking about it.

branden is happy.  he's trucking along and working hard as he should be.  even when i wish we had more time together i know he is doing what the lord wants for him. i'm grateful for him.  we make a good team.  i knew that when i married him.  that doesn't sound very romantic. but i imagine over the years we have together, the fact that we are incredible teammates will hold us together and create more romance that just romance alone would. so in the end, it is kind of romantic.  okay, i think that's it for tonight. cheers.

For posterity

This last week the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints changed one of its policies in its handbook of instructions for local leaders regarding gay marriage and families.  I want to record my feelings here on this change for our family as our children grow. 

 Immediately after the change, the Internet blew up.  Articles and Facebook posts went up within minutes expressing sorrow, disappointment, rage, and in a few cases ardent support.  On Facebook, my newsfeed was almost overwhelmingly filled with shock, sadness, and a sincere questioning of this policy change.  I don't know that I have seen anything so immediate and passionate in all my time in social media.

My first reaction, in general, to leadership policy changes is faith in the decision process.  (I feel that way about decisions that our president makes too-I believe in general that people are doing their best and operating on good principals even if we don't always agree on how to a achieve those ideals.). There must have been some explanation-I have never gotten the feeling that our church leaders want anything more than to love and support the members-being the best representatives of our savior that they can be.  The next morning a interview with elder christofferson came out which supported this thought.  It seemed as if leadership had been thinking about these changes for a great deal of time.  While it came as a shock to the rest of us-it sounded as if it was something that was discussed for some time. I trust their good intentions and inspiration and I wonder if there is still some further refinement that is yet to come.  

However more than my confusion at this point is sadness.  I feel that so many on the edge of our faith no longer feel like there is room for them here.  The expressions of anger and sorrow break my heart.  I have dear friends that I fear will leave the church as a result of this change.  The church will be poorer because of it.  I will be poorer.  Their powerful convictions and love of all teach me how to be more Christlike.  Their differences from me teach me how to be more empathetic. We need their voices telling their stories.  I need them teaching my Sunday school class. Sunday I went to church with a heavy heart.  I wondered if these friends who I loved and looked up to left the church-would I leave too?  Where am I headed?  What do I think?  

Sunday morning, as the young deacons passed the sacrament and the musical number echoed through the chapel-I got the powerful impression that I was in the right place.  That doesn't mean I won't question what I don't understand-rather it means I won't stop questioning and searching for those answers that we are all so desperately searching for.  I am still trying to understand what this policy change means and how it is going to affect gay members of the church and their children.  But I know this search will continue within the symbolic tent of the church, doing all I can to keep as many as possible within the tent with me.

I don't think I expressed this as eloquently or as coherent as I would wish-I blame some of it on lack of sleep and the distracted and short attention span that comes with rearing small children (the other part on the fact that I am not an intellectual-just a fan and consumer of those who have that talent).  I hope that my children can look back at this and know how this change affected their family and particularly get an idea of how I have kept my faith in the midst of stormy seas.    

and it's november

updates that should be noted.

1-we are still living with my parents.  our move in date to the house has been pushed back a few times but it looks as if mid-january is when we will be moving in.  we are so excited!  i have to say though, the kids have loved living with their grandparents.  special time for all.  my parents are dreading our exit.  my dad has decided that we should leave one of our children.

2-baby ruth has turned out to be just as easy as her two siblings were.  champion sleeper. champion eater.  happy baby.  her siblings love her and are constantly rocking, bouncing, spitting (blowing raspberries with a little too much gusto) and poking her (usually her eyes or other parts of her face).  she has responded to it all with indifference.  i find myself repeating 'don't touch! be gentle!  stop that! where's your _____(fill in the blank with any toy that might distract)' over and over and over again.  i'm looking forward to when ruth can poke back and defend herself (or am i?!).

3-third babies are like the whipped cream on top of a hot chocolate.  warm and fuzzy and i just want to soak it all in.  somehow there's never enough.  there are so many memories packed into such
a small amount of time.

how i am able to make dinner and snuggle at once.  the best multitasking.

4-this year we have been spending a lot of time building new traditions.  it's been fun to try and find things to fill the void.  there have been some funny moments where i say 'don't you miss ____ from new york? and how we did this every year?' and branden says 'i have no memory of that.' and then i think about it and realize he was working.  for much of it.  his quality of life has gone up about 1000% since we moved here.  we are constantly talking about how grateful we are to be here.

5-parenting two toddlers has been hard.  there are moments where i can feel it all clicking and i know i'm doing it right. but then it all comes crashing down.  i'm learning a lot and realizing that i can't do it alone. i have to rely on my father and mother in heaven to teach me-and have some faith that they will make up the difference with the kids and they won't be hurt and ruined by my many mistakes. they are so forgiving of me as i learn-i hope that i can do the same.  i'm so grateful for heavenly parents that are teaching me.

photo by hugo.  sweet boy.

6-we are tired.  branden teaching seminary and a nursing baby still getting up in the night has us zombie like at night.  which leads me to closing up this post so i can go catch up with branden for a few minutes before we turn into pumpkins. nighty night.

estes park with grandma and grandpa Trish and Phil

new baby

Nothing better than when they fall asleep clutching your shirt.  Welcome to the blog Ruthie.

Flat acre farms

Pumpkins and petting zoos.  This time of year is always a hoot with these kids.  Spent the morning wandering this little farm with cousins and grandma and grandpa.  I hardly even interact with my kids when their cousins are around.  

Baby Ruth slept through the whole thing but I guess growing does that to a person.  

Father's Day 2015

branden had to work for most of the day, but he got enough time off to enjoy the loads of family that we had over.  grateful for these wonderful men who are fathers.

just sitting out enjoying the lovely evening

what we do to get a picture of these kiddies.

christmas tree cutting

our favorite little boys lined up across the back seat.  

they entertained eachother like champs back there.

this is one of our absolute favorite traditions.  branden pulled an all nighter for work the night before just so he could be sure we could go.  doesn't hurt that hugo is at a stage where he carries his little wooden saw everywhere.  won't put it down.  

some of our favorite little ones and hugo's best buddies.  how adorable are they?

little boys being little boys.

watching our tree be wrapped up so it's ready to be put on top of the van (we have rented a 12 passenger van every year and piled 3 trees on top of it and hauled all the families up.  we were a sight i'm sure!)

passed out on the way home.  late night.  and branden i'm sure was dying of exhaustion at this point. he's a trooper.